The Courage to Walk Away

(For clarity on identity, I am a cis- gendered straight woman. In this blog when I refer to “women” I’m referring to cis-gendered straight women dealing with cis-gendered straight men)

I’m not a fan of reality TV and don’t watch anything about “celebrities” and their faux personal/public lives. I use social media strictly to share joy and don’t look at much. But when searching for a yoga teacher I saw a post that one of the former members of Destiny’s Child had broken up with her fiancée of 9 months.

The post caught my eye so I clicked.

Looking at the comments section the women who were posted were beside themselves with grief.

In the 21st century, not having a husband seems to be the worst tragedy ever. God forbid you don’t have a husband AND you don’t have children!!! That’s a fate worse than death in America right now.

We don’t put any focus on men being husbands and fathers do we? Little boys aren’t given toys to model fatherhood. There are no magazines or websites for straight men who are planning weddings.

Men’s magazines and blogs focus on how to date as many women as possible, how to get a 6 pack of abs and guns galore, cars and how to have as many orgasms as possible, not how to be a husband or father. Men are taught they must have sex with as many women as possible to be great men with power and if they impregnate one of these conquests they blame the woman for not being careful. The responsibility is always with the woman.

I celebrate every woman and man who has the courage to end an engagement. I celebrate every man and woman who breaks up with someone BEFORE they bring children into the world.

Why?

Ending a relationship that isn’t working is the ULTIMATE act of self love and being a great citizen.

Here are some shocking statistics in 2018 regarding domestic violence in America according to the CDC and a blog http://www.socialsolutions.com/blog/domestic-violence-statistics-2018/:

Nearly 1 in 4 women have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime

Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime

In 15 states more than 40% of all homicides of women in each state involved intimate partner violence.

85% of domestic violence victims are women.

28% of families are homeless because of domestic violence.

81% of women who experienced rape, stalking or physical violence by an intimate partner reported significant short or long-term impact such as post traumatic stress disorder symptoms and injury.

4% of High School students report being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriends in the last 12 months.

Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to police.

When we teach young women and girls that the main source of happiness is being married to a man, instead of creating a world where we focus on loving ourselves unconditionally OF COURSE we get these results.

It amazes me that men are not held accountable in our society.

Let’s face it, for a woman at any socio-economic level, marriage is a stepping stone for having a life with abundance and wealth. Yes we live in a society where women are working more, but ALL women make less money than men in the workforce. So if a woman is the main earner in a relationship that couple is making less money than a couple where a man is the main earner.

I celebrate the women who got out of relationships BEORE getting pregnant by men with issues. I celebrate the women who had the courage and mindfulness to terminate unwanted pregnancies. I celebrate the women who are able to make the hard choice of saying yes to truth and reality and letting go of inauthentic relationships.

I’ve not been in a committed relationship since 2014 and the last time I dated someone seriously was summer 2016. Summer 2016 the man I loved contacted me to reconnect and I dropped my life and went to another state to be with him.

He was older but still just as beautiful and just as fucked up as he was when we were together in 1997 and even I, with all of the work I’ve done on myself, bought into the illusion of “The American Love Story” which is grounded in attachment.

Ladies no it is NOT acceptable to be with any man in order not to be alone. I don’t care if your biological clock is ticking. I don’t care what society has ingrained into your head. I don’t care that all your friends are married and talking about how wonderful their men are and how lucky they have to have found them. Guess what… luck is relative. Talk to that woman on a day when her man has crossed the line then see how lucky they feel.

If you are a woman who refused to settle, I celebrate you and encourage you to use your freedom in joy. We have one life to live on this planet, and regret is a waste of time. And if you are feeling lonely, know that emotions are like the weather,they will pass. Oh and one last thing, living “in the meantime” , waiting for your life to begin is not living. Your life is in progress right now so what are you going to do with your time?

When a sister ends a relationship with a man who is not serving her…reach out and celebrate her courage. Honor her for her courage to live her life on her own terms and please just don’t say things that encourage co-dependence.

Women…our lives do not have to revolve around men with penises. Go out and make the world a better place to be in, from a place of radical self love.

Give yourself permission to view your breakup as a break through and the relationships you attract from a space of self love will make the quality of your life…golden.

Loving yourself…is the Greatest Revolution.

Ashe

J9

About visAbleblackwoman

Making Black Women’s stories visible to preserve our legacies.
This entry was posted in #blackgirlhealing, Uncategorized, Year of Yes and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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