So…How’s your Anti-Racism Training Going?

Yes…newly woke white people…I’m talking to you.

Man I wish 21st century anti racist white folks could be like the anti slavery Quakers.

Where’s Lucretia Mott and William Garrison when you need them?

I mean Lucretia Mott was an anti slavery BOSS! From the founding of this country the Quakers were the only religion that outlawed chattel slavery. Imagine how conversations with their slave owning uncles went down! From the beginning, white abolitionists partnered with Black communities providing the resources to support Black abolitionists to fight for human rights and freedom for Black folks. The Underground Railroad was an interracial, cross generational network to freedom.

The Abolitinists didn’t sit in all white cohort groups lamenting about their fragility and shame about their white privilege and their non woke slave owning relatives. Okay, well, I’m sure some did, but here’s my point.

White abolitionists partnered with the Enslaved African Americans as friends committed to freedom.White abolitionists formed relationships with their fellow humans who were being disenfranchised.

The Quakers got over their white guilt and white fragility rolled up their sleeves and were committed to making the world better with love.

Quakers saw the power of equity and the dysfunction greed and focusing on individual wealth and power. Energy goes where attention is focused.

There is strength and power in diversity, but building strength takes pain and effort. And gaining power is a big responsibility.

Breaking caste takes mindful effort. Disrupting systemic racism means thinking more about how your words will impact another person before you say them…and being honest with yourselves about the intention behind your words. Breaking caste means not being comfortable.

A liar was President of the United States because the foundation of the United States is lies.

The white founding fathers lied and said the American dream was founded by rugged individualism. The American dream was founded by government approved land theft and kidnapping folks using advanced weaponry, terrorism and psychological warfare to force them to do all the work building America for no pay.

When chattel slavery ended…white men just did a systemic racism reboot and asserted their dominance in the Jim Crow South and the segregated North. White men with power created corporations based on the plantation system where workers were paid as little as possible for as much work as possible toiling in want their entire life span.

The American dream requires a team. The band aid has been ripped off and yes Amerikkka is racist, committed to greed, individual wealth, and manipulating others to benefit the nuclear family. That greed based America will destroy itself.

Now is the time to roll up your sleeves white folks and do the work to clean up the mess your ancestors created on this land. Look to The Abolitionists and the reconstruction era to do your fair share of the work of actually building a New America grounded in equity, community care and authentic love beyond the safety of your all white anti racism classes.

The election shows us that half the country is quite happy with white dominance and individual wealth at the expense of the disenfranchised.

Are you ready to get over your white guilt amd actually go the work required to make a New America, grounded in equity, community care and love?

Are you ready to put the anti racism books down and widen your social circles to make friendships beyond your socio-economic class and skin color?

Are you ready to pick up where Lucretia Mott and William Garrison left off?


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“B*tches get stuff done”


A republican member of Congress from Florida….called AOC a b*tch.


When, in a meeting where the rise in gun deaths and violence was being discussed with the victims and family members of victims of Gun Violence, A.O.C. mentioned the connection of gun violence to poverty.

The lack of management of the pandemic has amplified the weakness of the Amerikkkan caste system built on slave labor & wages, and lack of access to resources.

People who aren’t working or paying rent during a pandemic are focusing on feeding themselves and their families while death is all around them. That $600 Unemployment insurance will end this week for many folks… and there is no plan to extend that insurance during a pandemic!!!!!

A rise in gun violence happens every year in Brooklyn. I know, I lived in Crown Heights for almost 3 years. Whenever the weather gets warm in summer in neigborhoods like Crown Heights, Brooklyn….gun violence goes up. Why? The desire to escape poverty by any means necessary.

This fact is connected to the Amerikkkan system of capitalism where those who are able to have access to resources, by any means necessary, thrive, and those who don’t have resources…are resources for the upper castes.

From investment bankers who use unethical practices to make the most money possible, to a rigged education system that only admits those with the proper legacy lineage, those with resources to focus solely on education in order to pass the tests and gain the scholarships required to get into the limited spaces of institutes of higher learning so that they can enter the elite castes and be served by the lower castes.

That’s the REAL Amerikkkan dream…to belong to an upper caste and have enough money not to do all the shit work you don’t wanna do while lower caste members do the work of running society for low wages as “essential workers”.

In turn, folks living in poverty create their own caste systems. Some, controlled by Christian based ethics, work hard in those low paying jobs where most of their money goes to greedy landlords, and taxed, and their only hope is to invest the rest of what they earn into their children’s education, sacrificing their very lives so that their children can hopefully move into the upper castes and have better lives.

Others in the lower castes see the system as rigged and corrupt and work outside the caste system, they feed on the despair and hopelessness of poverty for profit. The profiteers of poverty see the corrupt system clearly and take money and power by selling joy to those without joy in the form of pills and powders that bring the addicted temporary relief from the relentless grind of being poor in Amerikkka.

That poverty…is the foundation of the financial Abundance of the upper castes. It’s on purpose that those of us who make less money pay more in taxes, for rent , for everything it takes to live in this world.

When A.O.C. speaks the truth about poverty…..some republican Congress dude from Florida chastises her and calls her a b*tch.

As AOC said….bitches get stuff done.

Article from HuffPo

When MLK was murdured he was talking about shifting poverty.

Think about that.

Those white folks out on the streets screaming for justice then going home to privilege will you use your power to bring equity by abolishing the Amerikkkan Caste system?

Are you willing to …abolish poverty?

Will you protest to abolish student loan debt?

Will you fight for a basic income for every citizen in this nation?

Will you do all you can to create a system that includes health care for all? What about fair clean housing for all with access to clean water and excellent education for al children no matter how much money their family makes?

You got the power and privilege ….use it. Be the B*tches that get stuff done.



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I love to cook and….Cooking is labor.

Yesterday I cooked all my parents Sunday meals made from scratch. It was a labor of love.

Pancakes a la Jeanine

It seems at least one girl child in my Mothers family line inherited the cooking gene. Mom got it in her family. It’s origin…. she did not want to be working the fields my Grandfather Sharecropped with her 12 siblings…so she cleverly used her status as eldest girl child to assist my Grandmother in the kitchen. In my family that girl child is me.

My cooking skills have always been a part of my survival. When I first moved to NYC, I worked as a nanny /cook/housekeeper for a wealthy, progressive “family of color” in indentured servitude. The family owned the building and on top of cooking, nannying And light cleaning…I did personal assistant work for low wages while I auditioned.

I did that for two years before booking acting work so I could move out and live with a roommate. From cooking for my actor housemates while on tour to save money to talking my way into a vegan cafe with no experience and becoming management to trying to run my own catering business…cooking was always a burden for me allowing me only enough money to pay for my basics, rent in NYC.

I worked as a cook so I could save money on food. Even working as a Black woman “private chef” in NYC the real expectation of the last liberal “old money” wealthy white woman who hired me as her private chef/health coach in 2010 was for me to also do “light housekeeping” which included her wanting me to hand washing her dirty underwear.

The first thing many strangers say when they learn that I’m a great cook and have cooked professionally is that they want me to come cook for them. I never want to cook for strangers. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life was working in the restaurant industry as a cook. But the allure of making fast cash without sitting behind a desk, being with people the energy the community of restaurants and cooking sucked me in.

Capitalism transformed my love of cooking into this product that was bought and sold. Put up against others to compete against. I had to work long hours on my feet for low wages to continually feed others and clean…while my spirit was sucked dry.

People I worked with in catering have ended up in rehab, divorced, and some have committed suicide. The underbelly of the restaurant industry is grimy.

When I was cooking for a living, the self taught dark skinned Black woman who cooks well in Amerikkka was instantly viewed as a low cost resource to feed and nurture others.

I walked out of my last cooking job In 2010 without regret. Spending time in France last fall allowed me to fall in love with cooking in a new way. Going to a goat farm then eating the goat cheese from animals I’ve breathed the same air as, spending time with the Female chefs who lovingly prepared our meals, taking time to enjoy the food lovingly as a lifestyle prepared me for today.

Cooking with Chef Claire
Lunch prepared by the chef at Chateaux In France on Blue Zaria yoga retreat

Being in this pandemic reality with my parents who need solid nutrition to help process the medications they depend on to slow down the aging process has deepened my wisdom of food as mind body medicine and energetic healing.

Veggies from Dad’s Garden

For breakfast, I got my favourite organic pancake mix and cooked kale with free range eggs and veggies . For dinner I used the purple bell peppers from my Dad’s garden in the veggie succotash on mixed greens ….I paired with my homemade spaghetti as meat sauce. I learned to make homemade red sauce from an elderly Italian grandma I adopted back in 2005. I would visit her and cook with her.

I made French bread and served with butter. For an appetizer…coconut shrimp on mixed greens with mango salsa and cherry tomatoes. For dessert…blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream. My Mom smiled with tired eyes grateful. She was able to eat most of the food I placed before her. She thanked me for making dinner.

Daddy, after mentioning his gratitude for me coming to VA to take care of them in his prayer to bless the meal simply said, “Jeanine, your food is delicious.”

Cooking is always labor. When we cooks transform our labor into love…we heal.



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We are not fine and admitting this is okay.

I love Costrastrology’s Instagram posts. Before the pandemic I was like astrology is bullshit. Now I’m not so convinced.

Reading their star signs I’m stunned how they are relatable. I’m a Pisces Aries cusp and I feel all the things exactly the way Costrastrology writes these two star signs.

Astrology allows for imperfection. It’s a place where I can acknowledge my faults my shortcomings without having to fix them. This system of things requires that we all wear masks. In reality…no one is fine. But most of us cannot carry on raising children, being in relationships and taking action without our protective emotional mask.

Those of us who are able to function in the world effectively behind our masks build support networks that enable us to acquire resources and access to places where we can take our masks off, allowing our authentic selves space to be free.

We can take our masks off going to therapy, or going out into nature. We can create more comfortable masks by believing in a religious practice, or partaking in extreme mind altering experiences. And we put on the masks of distraction immersing ourselves in video games , celebrity, sports and the entertainment industry. Still others put on the mask of activism, politics and environmentalism. All these masks help us un-feel.

We need to wear these masks in order to get through the day and stay positive right!?!!

We do right? Cause if we wear a mask we can navigate our way through the matrix on our belief beyond reality. We can live in a positive bubble and if we wear the mask, and keep on confirming pushing our truth away….if we medicate and distract we may have moments of financial abundance moments of true love, moments of happiness for ourselves until a tragedy happens in our lives and the mask is ripped from our faces leaving our flesh exposed raw and ready to heal.

Yep. We are all fine rotting behind our masks until someone we love dies. Or we get sick. We are happy until we lose our jobs and health insurance and we look around and have no friends to help us out.

Yea…I like looking at horoscopes now. I can take off my mask and allow my sensitive self space to be afraid and not okay. I recognise the vulnerability the insecurity, and when I do I see it’s actually healthy to acknowledge the truth and know it will pass without hiding behind a mask.

Yes we need the mask to protect our sensitive skin. And yes. We need safe brave spaces where we can allow our fears to breathe without boundaries.

Thanks Costrastrology For the break. Okay. I’m fine!!!!




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Creating a new system of Being right now.

It’s April 20th, middle class working class and poor Americans and small businesses haven’t gotten stimulus checks from the government while Shake Shack got a 10 Million Dollar bailout check.

I saw a post by a successful black woman who is a financial expert who encourages people to have 6 months emergency savings. She centers people with good credit and is a corporate advocate urging what we now are calling frontline workers to work overtime in order to pay old debts and basic living expenses.

What about the people who work paycheck to paycheck who are now the people who are actually essential workers? Financial coaches are grounded in individual capitalism myth designed to kill the working class and the poor.

So the goal of individual Americans is to look out for number one, be rich and sidestep the injust system that is killing all of us and be a member of the 1%.

Rich people in America get bailed out and the middle and working classes work to pay for everything until we die in debt. Instead of organizing strikes to change the system and supporting small businesses.. most people conform to the system until something happens that effects them personally.

But guess what, even if you are mindful with your money and grow old with abundance, you could be put into a fancy nursing home, the people who work in that nursing home are not paid a fair living wage, corporations take more money for profit and people STILL face horrible death as we see happening right now.

Everyone works harder more hours for a system designed to kill us in order to attain minimal individual comfort.

This budget coach I spoke about earlier was saying to use the stimulus to pay down debt or save it or invest it.

How can you save a stimulus when you haven’t received it? How can you pay down a debt whet when you have no income? How can you save 6 months rent when their several jobs barely pay basic expenses?

When we do invest in education we have to get loans to pay for college. People if color get paid less money than those other groups while working 150% harder than every other group our health suffers…. and on top of that have to pay back student loan debt at higher levels we pay higher amount for housing and health care…. while other groups get educated for less money due to “legacy” programs, pay lower rent and get paid a higher amount than people of color when working for corporations.

Yet the best advice given by these black financial coaches is work harder and pay off your debt. 🤦🏾‍♀️.

If everyone in the working class and the first responders went on a general strike, and everyone stayed home until student loan debt was relieved…we could create change.

The good news is we CAN create conscious change. We create this system.

Here are three steps we can do right now,to create a new system of being.

1. Search out and support POC and fitness coaches and wellness professionals with smaller followings on Instagram and Patreon.

2. If you are working with a steady income give your stimulus to someone in you community who isn’t working.

3. Work towards changing the system politically on both national and local levels. Go to and take constant daily action to be the change you want to see in this country.

Let this be an opportunity….to be better. To live better. To care for one another. To develop authentic empathy. Grounded in equity.



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Who is showing up for you?

Who is showing up for you right now?

Who are the people who keep appointments with you? Who are the people who are calling to check up on you? Who are the people supporting your work?

Right now. Focus on the people who are showing up for you…today. Show these folks love and gratitude.

If anyone is not showing up for you in any way shape or form…energetically release.

Send that person love and blessings and let go of any negative graspy feelings you are experiencing.

Because you see my friends…now is a time like never before in our lives where we all are dealing with uncertainty at high levels.

Folks don’t have the bandwidth to listen right now. The weight of the world is just too heavy.

Particularly for those of us who are single, and on our own…we must remember the first love of our lives is ourself.

No matter what love relationship…it will end in tragedy. Someone in the relationship will eventually leave the relationship. The ONLY person you will be with for your entire life…is you.

Find comfort knowing that you have to love and care for yourselves first best and always. As you connect to your inner power, you are able to be a better person for all of the impermanent relationships around you.

Knowing all relationships will end, allows us not to take people for granted. Impermanence allows us to only make appointments we know we can keep so we don’t waste someone else’s time.

When we value anything in this world, we show up. Whether it’s for a virtual class with an instructor we want to support, or a volunteer organization or a loved one. Now more than ever who we show up for means so much to other people.

It really is a balance. Tuning into our own power through meditation, moving our bodies daily and reaching out for help from a mental health professionals when needed are building blocks for a vibrant life no matter what the outside world is throwing at us.

I find it extremely difficult to stay positive about anything without my self-care tools. It’s super easy to infect people with negative energy so my time being alone and showing up for myself allows me to go through the process of healing my mind body and doing what needs to be done energetically in order for me to be positive. And that internal work my friends….is a service to the community.

When we show up for ourselves…we open the pathway to our natural state…joy. While I may not always be a happy person….I am ALWAYS connected to my joy body.

Remember, the number one person who needs to value and show up for you my friends….is you.



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Privilege reflected on Zoom

Home Studio Yoga Meditation Space 21 Super Ideas

I see White Dominance reflected in the backgrounds of the homes of people I’m taking classes with on Zoom.

Hardwood floors with beautiful rugs from Indonesia or tibet perfectly placed.  Expensive zafu (meditation cushions) and yoga mats expertly placed for maximum effect on camera.

I see White Dominance reflected in meditation and yoga teachers with perfect home studios easily able to transition to an online practice.

I see White Dominance reflected in the backgrounds of fitness instructors of color working out on small patios, small apartments  as they work to attract the homebound to their home practices since the high end gyms where these trainers spend their hard earned time training the wealthy have closed and laid them off without compensation.

I see  White Dominance reflected the backgrounds of people of color working out in the bedroom space, large enough for one yoga mat, between the closet door and the edge of the bed.

I hear White Dominance in the voices of liberal white women lamenting about the guilt they feel for being safe in their homes not knowing how to help the thousands suffering from COVID 19 in Urban Areas.  So paralyzed by their guilt, some of them have said they can do nothing their home yoga, consult with their spirit guides and crystals  and care for their own families.

The beneficiaries of white dominance are able to work from home, order take out, play video games and binge watch online tv, listen to podcasts, be on the internet, Christ, many are starting podcasts with the time they have to shelter in while being paid their full salaries.

It’s 2020 we are living in a pandemic and again White Dominance protects the majority and uses black and brown bodies as resources to fuel America.

America runs on slave labor.  Our culture thrives for the upper castes while the lower casts work hand to mouth in service to everyone else.

In the past, good liberal white people could ignore the American Caste system by sending money to black and brown people in far away places while not even seeing the black and brown people being exploited daily right in their own neighborhoods.

There’s this illusion that we care about one another in America…do we really?

Please stop being outraged about the American Caste system and do something to disrupt it.

Here are three things you can do to put your money to work in positive ways:

  1. Support universal basic income for everyone in   Connect to the non profit organization  Click the link to get more information about what Universal basic income is, how it works and how you can make a difference.
  2. As you are looking for online workouts, support fitness folks of color who aren’t already funded by large “wellness corporations”. Here are a few outstanding fitness professionals I recommend who are out there on Zoom and IG live leading classes because their gyms and clients have let them go during this shelter in place order.On IG: Barre_Bri, Brianna is outstanding Barre burn classes, core, and more
    yogi man_83. Ahmed leads yoga classes that build a strong mind and body
     apaigeofcandace Dr.Candace Harding is a Doctor of physical therapy and a    yoga teacher.  The perfect blend of science and yoga is what we need right now
    skillinaction Michelle Cassandra Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker and a yoga teacher.  Her book Skill in Action is the right guidebook for our times. Her meditation and yoga practice soothes the soul.
        urbanjourneydance My name is Jeanine, and I lead JourneyDance intuitive dance grounded in joy.  We dance to feel it , express it, grapple with it, reveal our hearts and let our bodies go while connecting to our natural state…joy.
  3.  Work in your cities on being politically involved.  Educate yourself. Find what you can do and actively do it all the time.  Now that we know Joe Biden is the Democratic nominee… post positive stuff about our nominee on your social media.  Make the shift to make progressive values of having universal healthcare and income  the building block to disrupting white dominance and create a culture grounded in actual equity.


White dominance uses race as a shield to blind us from the reality that we are all one people.  Viruses like COVID 19 are not going away.  Eventually there will be a virus that will get to those who benefit from White Dominance, wealth and privilege will not protect any of us from what Mother Nature holds in store.

Live the change you want to see in this world.

Stop being paralyzed and take action even with the personal challenges you face.  Who knows, if you are able to work towards disrupting this system and giving up a little of the benefits of white dominance, perhaps you will feel less guilty…about your privilege.




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Slow down and live.


A yoga teacher I know @leorising posted  this quote on his instagram feed-

“Crisis doesn’t create character. It reveals it.”

It’s true.

Who you show up for, and who show up for you right now are the people who truly matter.

It’s really easy to let the mind go to a space of lack when resources actually begin to diminish.

Most people don’t have the bandwidth to prepare for hard situations so they distract themselves always moving searching for the high.

Do that if it serves you.  Do your workouts, socialize and get those endorphins going.

I wonder how many of us are still medicating with work…even during this pandemic. Now’s the time do that while it lasts. Keep your mind right.

I wonder what it would feel like to slow down.

I mean if you have enough, if you have the privilege of being well taken care of, you have resources…are you able to slow down right now?

In that slow down, can you tune in to empathy rather than tuning it out?

On MSNBC just a minute ago, I saw a nurse in New York City in tears because she just quit her job afraid because there is no protective gear for her to use and she has a family of her own to take care of…she wants to live.

As we go into this week, which the pandemic experts are saying will be like another Pearl Harbor, can you slow down in order to tune in and find a way of being of service?

Those of us who have privilege, (our health is a privilege) can we use this time to develop our ability to be empathetic, not practice being empathetic…but . We are living in a time where we will need to do more than one thing at a time.

Now is the time to practice patience, with family we are sheltered in with.

Now is the time to practice creativity, to find solutions to problems that seem insolvable.

Now is the time to learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we aren’t going out to get our hair done, nails done, putting on make up or having the perfect outfit to be or do we just are.

Now is the time to live. Friends in cities are telling me, they are able to see stars in the night sky…they are hearing owls and nightingales and other animals normally silenced by humans in usual times.  Life is all around us.  Remember this.

Now is the time to give.

Now is the time to show up for ourselves and connect to joy while being there to support others when we can.

Now is the time to ASK FOR HELP when needed and humbly receive.

Now is the time..for gratitude.

“Crisis doesn’t create character.  It reveals it.”





Join me for JourneyDance Embodiment online Mondays ($10) & Wednesdays 8:30am ($5), JourneyDance Chakras Wednesdays at 7:00pm ($10) and Fridays at noon ($5) and a FREE  JourneyDance Listening from the Heart Chakra Share Circle Tuesdays at  3:00pm EST (FREE).

Here’s the link to my online JourneyDance studio:

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And then, it happened.

I was just thinking about people who don’t have a washer and dryer in their homes.

There was a time when I had gotten back together with this guy I lived with. We kept our housing situation separate but were dating. He found a roommate situation in Kingsington, Brooklyn. The apartment building didn’t have laundry but there was a laundry mat across the street.

My fondest memories of our brief time of rocky reconciliation were when we were at the laundry mat together, just folding his clothes. It’s such an intimate gesture…folding another persons clothes. Making sure the fresh from the dryer fabric is folded quickly so wrinkles don’t set in.

The act of perfectly folding his tee shirts reminded me of how my chore as a child was folding my Dad’s white undershirts. As I folded my ex’s shirts and felt deep love for him deep down inside I knew the love I felt for him was not reciprocated. I ignored my knowing.

As was his pattern, he broke up with me in October just like he did the year before, in order not to have to be with me during the holidays and I was broken. I was broken for 5 years after that relationship.

I was afraid of the new normal that was coming of not being coupled up at my age. So much of my life as an artist in New York was connected to not having enough.

Not enough love in relationships. Not enough commitment in friendships. Not enough money to live, or do any of the things that everyone else does to display their happiness or have health insurance.

I lived scared in my not enough being for a long time. I was still experiencing joy and having wonder in my life but my nagging baseline was…not enough.

I’d be able to rally support, book a job that would pay well and make me temporarily normal. A New Yorker, no…a working NYC artist, who could pay her rent, buy food, have a gym membership pay her bills and buy a cute outfit to wear to go to brunch, and out dancing with my fabulous NYC girlfriends.

As I was out being fabulous, there was always that baseline of not enough. That feeling was exhausting.

I’d like to say I had this huge epiphany or found a great healer or therapist or new relationship that made that not enough feeling go away. That feeling that makes me automatically say I’m sorry as a pattern…that drives women who are younger than me crazy.

What happened was, I was forced to surrender and fucking just accept reality. When I lived in NYC, I’d tell myself…okay bad things happen in “three’s” so I’d hold on through the bad experiences and when the good shit happened my ego would be in overdrive. But then…the bad things just kept happening it was like i was cursed. As I dove deep into my not enough self I wasn’t able to be a good friend so I lost good friends.

I felt exhausted and alone and so I went back to my meditation cushion and just worked on clearing my thoughts. As I cleared, spirit told me I needed to clean my thoughts. As I cleaned my thoughts I began to be able to connect to gratitude. When I connected to gratitude…I could do works of service for others. As I did works of service for others…I faced the new reality that I do have enough.

Knowing that you have enough, requires faith, emotional intelligence,humility….and patience. Human nature is to be afraid and to panic. Being calm in the storm takes practice.

We are in the process of entering a new normal. People are acting as if they do not have enough out of fear. There may come a time when there actually may not be enough. Now is the time to prepare yourself.

This morning I was meditating on gratitude. Listing the things in life I’m grateful today. I was distracted by a thought that I have to fold a pile of laundry I did last night. As I shifted to gratitude, the image of doing laundry with my ex popped into my head. Then I thought about all the people in all the cities who do t have laundry in their homes and have to go to the laundry mat to do clothes.

How are they coping right now?

As we navigate our way through this new normal…a daily gratitude meditation practice is the foundation to knowing….there is enough. There is always…enough.




COVID 19 need to know… terms are being thrown around that you may be confused about in terms of isolating yourself. Here’s the breakdown:

Thank you Shannon Algeo for sharing this info on your social media. Please listen to Shannon’s podcast Soulfeed wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Fight Fair

I fail at romantic relationships gloriously.

It’s just my karma.

In failure there is wisdom, and as I age I deepen my awareness. One of my contributions to the failure of my past relationships is… I didn’t fight fair.

I’m not gonna get into the reasons why….those healing ruminations are for my journal.

At my age, most of my friends are married or in a committed love relationships. Many are on their second (or third) marriages.

My friends who are a part of loving nourishing couplings, are able to communicate through the discomfort of conflict and they fight fair.

Here’s 6 mindful relationship actions the couples I know (Who are still hot for each other ) take in order to fight fair:

1. Stay present. Don’t bring up the past.

2. Use an internal time out, when a heated situation needs to cool down take a break.

3. Are polite. Don’t interrupt.

4. Remember the love. Don’t name call.

5. Apologize authenticly. Do the work to apologize truthfully. Take responsibility for the hurt caused, and ask for forgiveness

6. Be able to authentically forgive.

As I look at this list, in my past relationships, I didn’t fight fair. I brought up the past, was rude, interrupted, name called, was sarcastic, selfish, over-shared with friends, remembered all flaws, and had a hard time forgiving the men I was in relationship with. So, it makes sense that none of that none of the men saw me as a woman they wanted to marry.

I own my contribution to negativity and at the same time… if any of my exes were truly invested in the relationships we were in beyond the physical attraction, they would have invested time in doing the work to develop these fair fight tools together. I say this because when I was in relationship and wasn’t fighting fair, I knew something was not right.

Having not dated until I was 25, I was very inexperienced with love relationships and did no intuitive idea of how to be in romantic partnership. At that time, the men I dated weren’t the kind of men who were willing to do the work of relationship which fed into my frustration. Can you see how it’s all connected?

Shit…that should be in my journal. I digress…. back to the subject at hand.

The married couples I know who fight fair are committed to one another and are invested in their relationship.

I remember moving in with an ex on Valentine’s Day. Our studio apartment was small, he was concerned it was too small, but I was more optimistic than he.

The fights we had in that space were not fair fights. We both said things we could never take back. I would get so angry with him, that I’d have to go out and sit in my pickup truck for hours in order to just cool down and not scratch his eyes out.

Our society focuses on attracting relationship and marriage for many reasons. In many cities, it’s impossible to be able to afford to pay for expenses without having two incomes to pay rent, get a mortgage while paying off student loans. Women are paid less than men and we must pay the same amount in rent while paying extra for feminine hygiene products, make up, hair, and clothing. All of the successful yoga/wellness entrepreneurs I know…have husbands.

So in a time where being in relationship with two incomes is vital to maintain a middle class life, learn how to fight fair and keep your love alive.

Besides… when you fight fair…that leads to mind blowing make up sex. 🙂



P.S. Ladies…as you fight fair…be sure to keep your own separate bank account with your own money…just in case.

P.P.S. Guess what… Fighting fair works in EVERY relationship in your life that you have made a commitment to invest in. Fair fight tools can be used when dealing with your parents, children and in chosen family/friend relationships.

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