Movie Review: A Star Is Born.

‘Tis the season for SAG/AFTRA members to vote for the SAG/AFTRA awards!

The first screener I watched was Bradley Cooper’s A Star Is Born. Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced, directed and acted in the movie and, I must say he did a beautiful job of sharing the story of a cis gendered 40 something successful musician struggling with the disease of substance abuse. Bradley Cooper is the star of this movie.

As an actor, I absolutely love Cooper’s natural “slice of life” style of acting. It’s super difficult for recognizable A -list actors to disappear into the roles they are playing. Cooper changes his vocal quality and physicality to create the aging rock star Jackson Maine beautifully and I was able to willingly disbelieve that I was watching Bradley Cooper simple natural style of acting and thought I was watching rock star Jackson living his life on screen. It was so nice to be immersed in this story.

I’m impressed with the writing and the direction. I mean it’s a perfect example of how and why the white men in the film industry dominate and deftly seduce us into loving them. They are experts! You have the silver fox Sam Elliott, with that thick head of white hair, tall tan slim with that crooked grin the tilt of the head and sparkle in his eye that perfect “cowboy” persona that has been utilized to charm women and people of color out of our resources ever since this country was created. Then there’s Bradley Coopers personification of 21st century flawed American male masculinity in its prime. I just wanted to cover his bearded face with kisses and love him into sobriety. Jackson is an alcoholic drug addict but we get to know his back story. Since Jackson has money, power, is able to pluck a young talented singer songwriter waitress out of poverty and on the national stage and love her as is, we love and accept Jackson even though he’s a falling down passing out opioid addicted drunk.

The storytelling is good. I watched my screener on my I Pad while on the treadmill meaning to do 30 minutes and I ended up on that thing for an hour. There were moments of the film where I was so invested in what was going on on screen I had to turn away because I felt so bad for Jackson.

The real love story in A Star is Born is the one our society has for cis gendered straight white men. The movie telegraphs,” Yes we straight white men have power and we are flawed, our alcoholism and drug abuse is a disease. But you will love us because in this movie we will pick the white girl who isn’t the standard of beauty we actually promote in the real world, we will surround ourselves with men of color, cis gendered gay men and trans women that click all of the boxes progressives love, and we will act like black women are invisible. In this movie we will reiterate the fact that yes, white men have the power but with that power comes responsibility. Watching us manage that power as it slips away, and seeing us fall is devastating, compelling and humanizing.

It struck me as well that in A Star is Born, there is literally only one role for a cis gendered straight woman and that role is the female lead Ally, (we never even learn her last name) played effectively by Lady Gaga. At no point did I not think I was watching Lady Gaga. She’s got a great voice and of course pulls off the whole “I’m not a pretty girl, I’m scrappy” that will inspire young white women and girls to believe that with a gay ethnically ambiguous male bestie and a troupe of ethnic drag queens as her “girl squad” she can nab a hot bodied straight white guy who will get her out of her daddy’s house, marry her and take care of her as she grows her own business.

Ally has no cis gendered straight women in her circle of friends or family, I mean no one. None of the women in this movie are in relationship with one another. We think we’ve come a long way ladies, but have we? It’s fascinating that in 2018 Lady Gaga is naked in several scenes but Cooper is not. In the era of women ruling the world, faux liberal Hollywood is still churning out relationship propaganda movies that will keep women thinking that we are not enough unless we have a man who says we are beautiful in our lives.

Oh, and I should say “white women” because in the world of A Star is Born, the only woman of color in the film is a plus sized black woman in an Under 5 role as a grocery store check out girl. But of course, America is segregated and in the lives of many white people, the only black women they are around are the ones who work in service. In Hollywood every good white guy has a black guy friend so Jack’s black male friend played by Dave Chappelle has a wife who is not a black woman, and is the noble sage version of the “Magical Black Man” giving Jack the advice he needs to make a big change in his life.

Moving on.

It really bothers me that every person who moves Ally’s career forward…is a man. I’m not familiar with the music industry but from the little bit of research I’ve done, it seems like all of the major players in the music industry from the executives to the agents to the choreographers are men. Wow.

Then there’s the whole age thing. I can tell a Star is Born is a male driven narrative because you have an older guy who could never settle down finally, finding a young woman to take care of him when he’s middle aged and burnt out. I feel sorry for and at the same time happy for all of the women Jackson dated when he was younger who he probably used and threw away only to instantly fall in “love” with this pretty young thing he hears singing in a bar.

So I co-exist with loving Jack in this movie as black folks have always done as we watch really good movies where we do not see ourselves onscreen.

Movies have formulas that create an emotional attachment between the viewer and the content onscreen and allow us to empathize with people with issues. That’s what makes storytelling so important to bringing people together. A Star is Born sticks to Hollywood’s formula and is superficially progressive by adding in the gay male community. That being said… It made me cry and… Bradley Cooper rocked as an actor, writer, and producer and told that White Man’s story well.


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Healthy Thru the Holidays: 6 tools to Deal with Holiday Conflict

The Holidays are here. Here we go. Family and those who know us best are most likely to know exactly how to push our buttons. Here’s 5 tools to deal with holiday conflict.

1. Take responsibility.

The only person we can change in this life is our own sacred selves. We can be in integrity in how we choose to react to any situation that comes our way. Take responsibility. Be the “adult”. Choose to be peaceful.

2. Focus on interests not beliefs.

When in conversation, focus on what the family member is interested in, pets, hobbies etc. The old rule of stay away from religion and politics is super key this holiday season.

3. Silence is golden

Give yourself permission to be quiet. Listen more than you speak. You may just learn more about your family members.

4. Practice compassion.

We all have that gasbag relative who sucks the air out of the room. That relative who brags about their accomplishments, be the “know it all” of the family who strongly believes in “alternative facts” as their truth. There’s also the person who is always complaining and finally the relative who feels the need to constantly correct people, often times with incorrect information.

Practice radical compassion with all of these relatives. Just let it go. Choose peace. People’s insecurities are usually apparent to the entire group. Thanksgiving isn’t the time to put someone in their place.

5. Let go of seeking to gain approval.

Once I stared expecting letting go of my expectations, and my need to gain approval from people who really don’t understand me or agree with the way I live, I let in peace.

Letting go is really a practice radical self-care. Give yourself permission to say no and disengage peacefully. Take walks and if it gets really bad…go see a movie.



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Healthy Thru the Holidays 2018: Travel Balance

Believe it or not, the holidays are the PERFECT time of the year to practice mindful strength.

Okay I know you’re like… whaaaaat?!!? The holidays are the time for me to relax and let my hair down.

Here’s the thing, you can relax let your hair down while at the same time practice mindful strength and protect your heart.

The trick is, to do a little bit every day and don’t be a perfectionist. Yoga is a physical practice intended to be done daily for a lifetime. Living inside the poses is a metaphor for life. Simple yet complex.

And guess what… you don’t need yoga pants or a mat or a bolster or some skinny white woman in a sloppy bun guiding you through her vision of yoga to practice. Nah. All you need is your own sacred self and basic knowledge of the poses.

And Yoga is the PERFECT physical practice while on the road.


Imagine your feet and legs are the number 11. Standing parallel, equal support on each foot.

Inside your shoes, connect your heel and the pads of your upper feet… spread out through your 5 toe joints, lifting your toes and breathe life into your feet.

Start by counting to five relaxing and build up to counting breaths for as long as you are in line.

Allow your breath to be natural and notice the fullness of breath. Foundation.

2. BALANCE part 1

Keep that foundation grounded.

Start with whatever foot feels right and shift your weight to one side.

Then…lift your heal, notice how your knee bends, your hip turns out gently and allow your toe to kiss the ground.

Then breathe.

If you are new to yoga…or it’s just a long ass day, this is enough. Just do the same process on the other side and relax.


Slowly point your knee to one side allowing your hip to open

Lift your knee and place your foot on your standing leg’s inner calf.

Steps 1 and 2 are perfect for long lines at the airport where you need to practice patience. We give up control when we travel by air. So, the only thing we can control is our mind. How we react in the circumstances we happen to be thrust into is our only place of power. Practice grounding into that power.

Step 3- Tree Pose

If you feel ready and are willing to focus lift your foot and place near your inner thigh. Feel free to take off your shoe or boot and press that foot into your standing leg. You don’t have to lift your arms just standing in tree grounding down into the earth is great for practicing balance in any circumstance.

Step 4. Bring it HIGH!!! Extended Hand to Toe Pose with lifted Arm

If you feel it and don’t give a care… Do your full on standing pose and vibrate the radiance of life. Some poses just allow us to connect to joy in real time. This standing balancing pose strengthens your legs hips and helps to develop a keen sense of balance.

Stay Healthy Thru the Holidays with me on Instagram @rhythmtherapyj9 and for a deeper experience become a supporting member of VisAbleblackwoman Productions on Patreon


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My personal Experience of doing a 30 day Supported Juice Cleanse

A few facts about me. I’m a certified Health Coach and Vegan Chef (retired). But my love of food remains and cooking just for me brings me a tremendous amount of joy. I was vegetarian/vegan for about 18 years and at the time I write this blog… I’m 48 years old.

28 days into this supported Juice cleanse, yes I’ve lost weight, 12 pounds in 28 days and it feels good to have dropped some fat. And I am fucking STARVING!!!!!

Now, I could end there and say how awesome cleansing is and try and sell you some health coaching using the cleanse as a marketing tool.

But I’m gonna tell you the truth.

My friends, in reality according to science and medical studies Juice cleanses don’t work. According to Dr. Arlene Youdim of Cedars-Sinai juice (and several friends of mine who are physicians) cleanses are a waste of time and can be a waste of money. Dr Youdim says, “Our bodies have their own elaborate, elegant detoxification system, called the liver, intestines and kidneys. It’s foolish to think the body can’t detox on it’s own.”

In my experience working for 5 years as a vegan chef in one of NYC’s top vegan cafes… there are a lot of women using juice cleanses, and the vegan and raw food eating styles, to cover their eating disorders.

Of course, as with every experience, there are many women who do just fine with these eating styles and have no problems at all and if juicing works for you then great!

If juicing works for you, do what makes you feel good and brings you joy.

But, if you are someone looking at the dramatic weight loss photos of folks after they complete a juice cleanse and think that losing that weight will make you a better person, I highly recommend you ask more questions.

First, I’ll share my experience of doing, not a complete juice cleanse…but a supported Juice Cleanse, then I’ll share with you 8 side effects of juice cleansing.


So, I don’t do juice cleanses. But some new friends of mine who I really admire, were starting a 30 day juice cleanse and sharing their progress with their instagram followers. I decided to do my own version and to share my recipes on my instagram thread @rhythmtherapyj9. I also, coincidentally, had just bought a new Kuving’s Juicer and was super excited to put it to good use.

DAY 1-5
The first three days of a juice cleanse are the most difficult. My body goes into shock/freak out mode and starts to eat itself. I have to drink a ton of electrolyte water so I can function and not want to stab people in the face. Seriously. I get hangry when I don’t eat, and that hanger cranks up 200% when I’m doing a “cleanse”. When I was a vegan chef, I was super skinny and I also had some serious mood swings. I didn’t realize it then, but people I worked with, hated me because I would snap at people. I was hangry.

My plan with a supported juice cleanse was to drink 36 oz of juice a day with either a plant based/vegan soup, salad or plant based vegan protein smoothie and grass-fed beef bone broth. I planned to just drink a lot of water without creating a set amount of water to drink every day. I allowed nuts, beans and quinoa as my main source of protein. I also cranked down my workout program doing hot yoga class every day I was in NYC and vinyasa flow yoga when I was traveling.

I noticed the shift in my energy immediately. Hot yoga was hell. It felt hotter and took everything I had to make it through the classes. I’d leave depleted, dehydrated, exhausted and hangry.

DAY 6-15

These are the air head days. I drink more electrolyte water to control the headaches and I do my mindfulness practices and meditations so that I don’t snap out at people in hanger but I now have challenges forming sentences and remembering where I put things. I even missed a day. I spent the entire day thinking it was Sunday, only to find out it was Saturday when I showed up for my swim class and no one else was there. I go to the front desk at my health club and the folks at the desk are like…”Umm…it’s Saturday”. I have to make sure that I really keep myself in check when dealing with other people, drink water and go to sleep so that I’m not falling asleep in the middle of the day.

DAY 16-30

People literally look like food to me. I’m so hungry. I have to admit, I had to take two pause days during this process and eat some organic animal protein. And DAMN that animal protein tasted good and I immediately. I drank warm organic grass-fed beef bone broth throughout the supported cleanse and could literally feel that beautiful liquid just melt into my body and bring me energy. I must say, my skin looks great, I lost some weight and my period was a moderate blood flow, with very few blood clots, and I had no cramps at all and minimal back pain. I must meditate and really think before I speak or send emails. I hurt some folks feelings by some blunt emails sent while in a hanger fury and end a couple of relationships with acquaintances.

So yes I lost a good amount of weight in a reasonable amount of time while hopefully protecting my joints and not losing muscle tone. But here’s the thing, I’m healthy I don’t have diabetes or heart disease and I’m not on any medications that may be effected by juicing. And, I met with my doctor to get his okay before trying this experiment on myself. I’ll be happy on Friday when I can go back to eating mostly plants and real food in moderation with a ton of water.


1. You may get food poising.

Fresh juice is unpasteurized for taste and preservation of nutrients. But when you don’t heat juice to 150 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes to kill germs the juice becomes vulnerable to bacteria like listeria, and salmonella. Even if you make your juice at home, if you leave it out on the counter unrefrigerated over night it can make you sick.

2. If you have prediabetes, you could develop full blown diabetes

Green juice can taste bitter, so many recipes call for fruit to cut the bitter taste. But if you are prediabetic and you drink one or more servings a day of grape, apple, orange or any other high sugar fruit juice you can increase your chance of getting type 2 diabetes by 21% . I read this info in a Harvard University study back in 2010. When you eat fruit without the fiber you’re getting straight up sugar which can spike your blood sugar levels. When you eat fruit in it’s natural state, the fiber in fruit slows down the fruit sugar in your bloodstream, allowing your body time to naturally process the sugar.

3. Serious drug interactions.

Kale and spinach are high in vitamin K which, if you are on blood thinning medication, can be life threatening and lead to blood clots which cause strokes and death. If you are taking medicine to lower cholesterol, citrus fruit blocks this enzyme in the intestine that controls the body’s ability to absorb drugs. Also if you drink grapefruit juice while on these drugs you risk, pain in your joints, muscles, liver and kidney damage. You can also be messing with high blood pressure medication, allergies, anxiety and a host of other ailments.

4. You could mess with your thyroid glands

Cauliflower, spinach, kale, book chop are rich in something called glucose plates, which form goitrin which is a compound that is associated with hypothyroidism. When the thyroid is out of balance it can cause all kinds of hidden challenges when it comes to maintaining a healthy weight and nourishing your metabolism.

5. You ain’t gettin’ no fiber

Fiber makes your colon do the work it needs to do to stay healthy and strong. Fiber helps you poop!! Fiber also helps to regulate blood sugar and reduce the risk of heart disease and lower cholesterol. And fiber keeps you full longer.

6. Too Much Potassium can harm your kidneys and where’s the protein?

Bananas and kale have high amounts of potassium which are dangerous if you have kidney issues, have high blood pressure.

Eight ounces of kale juice has tons of vitamins but only 2-8grams of protein. An 130 pound woman needs 65 grams of protein daily to repair cells and regenerate new ones.Protein also builds lean muscle and helps to burn calories. Fruit and most veggies are not great sources of protein.

As with everything juice in moderation. If you’ve gained some weight, while you eat more plants and start exercising more, consider looking into doing the emotional work of why you chose to fill yourself with food instead of turning to extreme weight loss strategies that may do more harm than good. Just because a body is thin, does not mean that body is being nourished and fed.



Follow me on social media @visableblackwoman And @rhythmtherapyj9


If you’re interested in tuning into discovering what foods your body needs to nourish yourself join me for my annual Rhythm Therapy Wellness Healthy Thru the Holidays wellness program.

Instead of binging on food during the holidays then binging on unsustainable diets in January join me on a journey of wellness discovery using mindfulness dance yoga and cooking real food made with love to get through the mosey stressful time of the year in peace.

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Worth it

I am on tour. The photo above is of me in my hotel room. I’m working in Colorado later this week so I came out early got a hotel for two days and am doing my writing from here.

I got up did yoga and then went to practice my swimming.

I wrote a show and I’ve been hired to use my skills as an artist for good. I am being paid a fair wage to do the work I went to college to do. I am being paid a fair living wage for the work I’m doing.

Right now. I have enough income to pay my rent, my monthly debt payments, pay for my health club membership and save for the future.

Worth it.

America is based on worth and value. Supply and demand. It’s capitalism. In my working life on this planet, in my skin as a dark skinned black woman, the system has always valued me as a sale item. The truth is that most consumers are willing to pay less for my services and expect me to give 150%.

Oh yes….as black folks have shared our experiences of having to be more skilled at our crafts in order to get a fair wage the wealth based majority has been listening.

The system says, “oh it’s how you are manifesting in the world. It’s the energy you put out”. Perhaps that’s true and at the same time, Perhaps the system is so accustomed to Black women giving 150 percent and receiving 62 cents on every dollar that a white man makes…that Americans are happy with buying Black Women’s services on the discount rack.

I’ve worked my ass off as a chef and got paid less. When I was a health coach and private chef the wealthy liberal white and black people who wanted to barter for the work I do for them.

Will that barter pay for my health insurance?

Will that work exchange pay into my pension so that when I can no longer work…I’ll have the resources to take care of myself?

One of the many reasons why I left the majority white liberal female yoga, conscious dance and diversity awareness training programs is because liberal white women did not pay me my worth.

I’d do these conscious dance classes and white and black women, with college degrees and husbands who took care of their basic needs would take my class and then expect me to coach them on how to do what I do.

They would ask me to share my playlists. To tell them where I got my props. Always asking me to take care of them…..for free. I would offer packages and coaching sessions and they would look at me as if I were totally insane. How dare I not share with them!?!!! I was uppity! I was ungrateful.

I knew my worth and refused to be taken advantage of. So I made very little money and eventually I left those industries.

But….when I left it opened the door for those who do see me for my worth to step through.

Slowly the tide is shifting

I recently reached out to a liberal white female friend from the conscious dance world because I’m ready to heal our old implicit bias based trauma from the past. I miss her as a friend and she is open to do the work…on her own and with me in order to grow.

Through the grapevine one of the white women who I used to know from conscious dance heard I was “back” o got a text from her. Asking me to sub for her class. No mention of payment. No request to see how I was. I haven’t spoken to this person or heard from her in over 3 years….and she asks me to take care of her.

I deleted the message, blocked the number and deleted the number from my phone.

Everywhere I turn in the world society tells Black Women we are worthless. We’re ignored. We’re disrespected. We are made fun of, objectified. On the other end our bodies are used as testing grounds or commodities. We’re given the worst tables in restaurants told were loud and expected to always serve. There’s this constant clawing at our hair our skin our bodies as being for the consumption of others.

I say fuck that. Fuck all of that.

Reside with people who know your worth and honor it.

When I was a kid my parents would tell me I was smart. They’d tell me I was beautiful and I could be anything I wanted in this world. The. I’d go to school and be called a nigger by the white kids who lived in the trailer park, be ridiculed by the rich white and black kids who lives in the suburbs. I held on to what my parents told me and held on to my truth and held my head up high.

Those years of duality prepared me for being a black woman in America connected to her true worth. We are precious jewels and our lives depend on us caring for ourselves first.

We are worth it



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Radical expression

I love my regular asana practice. Asana are the physical poses of yoga.

Many people don’t realize that yoga is much more than the physical practice. There are, depending on the practice 7 to 9 limbs of yoga which includes how we treat other people and much more.

I also love freestyle conscious dance. I use conscious dance as a tool in my work as a movement based theater actor.

People often ask me if I teach yoga or if I make the fan veils I dance with.

Why can’t I just be a person who loves yoga? And with years of practice some poses I am in this moment able to execute skillfully.

Why can’t I be a person who just loves to dance and uses dance as a vehicle to bring people together?

Our culture trains us to expect to be sold to. To expect to be able to consume to buy to take to own.

This week thousands of people will come together for a festival in the desert of Reno Nevada called Burning man. A festival where once you get in there is no exchange of western money for anything. People have to bring everything and it’s a gifting society. Sharing gifts.

It’s radical beautiful annoying and freeing.

I’ve been to the Burning Amanda festival twice 8 years ago. It shifted my perspective.

I love consuming as any average American does and at the Alsace time I appreciate the power of gifting…sharing beyond currency.

I can’t tell you how many people ask me if I teach yoga or if I make the fan veils I dance with.

What if more of us could let go of the idea that we have to sell what we love to do?

What if we did physical practices just because they made us feel…good?

Now I am extremely lucky because right now I am getting paid to do one of the things I love to do for a living. And as I am able to take care of myself….I’m doing my yoga and other hobbies and with time comes skill. As I become more skilled the pressure of should arises from well meaning people who see and love what I’m doing.

Some say they live vicariously through the photos they see of me online. Sometimes they send unsolicited advice.

They “should” on me.

“You should teach yoga”

“You should sell those flags”

10 years ago I would listen to this unsolicited advice and the venture would fail.

I’ve finally learned to JSU’s smile and nod beyond the you shoulds and ground into my freedom.

I know what I should be doing and I’m doing it. And I’m so busy doing what I gotta do I don’t even think to give unsolicited advice to others.

I’m too busy taking care of me.

Liberated. Joyous and…free.



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I am not your social justice Mammy.



About 4 years ago, after an experience at a training I was assisting a former liberal white female friend who was leading a training (where I was one of perhaps 3 Black Women out of the hundreds of women who were actually in the yoga retreat center that weekend), where, after I shared some racially insensitive moments I endured with her in an attempt to just release tension…she said to me… “Yes. I know. I know because, you know I have had past lives and in one of them I know, I mean I really know that I was a black woman enslaved on a slave ship in one of my past lives.” And then she proceeded to tell me some long drawn out story about herself and the challenges she faces as a woman in America based on that alleged past life experience. It was late at night. I was beyond uncomfortable and so I excused myself and went to bed.

At the time, I had known this woman for several years and had let several small racially insensitive interactions with her go without ever even mentioning them. When I’d try to call her out on her liberal racism, she would just discount what I was saying and use some spiritual mumbo-jumbo to justify her bad actions. I’ve grown up around white people and have been the one black person in the room for most of my life so I became accustomed to letting a lot of shit go and just working on the friendship beyond race.

I didn’t know it then, but I realize now… I…was…a social justice Mammy!

I would be the one black friend in a group of white friends at a dinner party who would be the impromptu “race educator”during the Obama Administration.  Defending whatever was going on politically while explaining the plight of African Americans for my liberal white feminist friends.  Even though race wasn’t the focus of the gatherings… I was there and I was black and I, was one of the good ones.  So if a liberal white female friend was having a challenge with a black woman at work or had a question about anything to do with race… they felt comfortable talking to me about it.  I saw myself as someone who could bring the races together so I would have the difficult conversations. (Ha ha)  I mean I was a corporate diversity awareness trainer in the early 00’s!

What I didn’t realize was that I was being in service as the liberal white woman’s emotional Mammy, but really…that’s what was happening.

That “past live slave ship conversation” was my Ah-Ha moment. I had to stop being the one Black woman in the room and I had to stop taking emotional care of liberal white women.

I completed the assisting the workshop, and removed myself from that woman’s trainings and that entire majority white, liberal, feminist, yoga/dance community.

Once I cut that chord I felt an overwhelming freedom.   Once I cut that chord there were no more white women calling me to mine me of my wisdom, my joy, to appropriate my ideas without wanting to pay me my worth. Once I cut that chord, phenomenal African American Women started appearing in my life.   Once I cut that chord Awesome White women who were clued in started coming into my life.   I call all these women my Abolitionists.

The African American  Abolitionists who appeared in my life valued me and without hesitation, paid me well for my services and…were authentic friends unconditionally.  The White liberal Abolitionists were there for me without needing me to be their emotional crutch or their “one black friend to help them believe that they were not racist.”

And… the drama, the feelings of discomfort, the trying to fit and not fitting in, the feeling that I wasn’t being understood, respected or heard that had been a part of my friendships and relationships in NYC were gone.

Once I realized I was being a social Justice Mammy and stopped taking emotional care of white women and my heart started to heal, my mind became clear and I could more easily connect to my authentic joy.

Then, we got a new president.

And Charlottesville happened and systemic racism and blatant bigotry are now front and center in our culture and liberal white folks are freaking the fuck out.

I’ve been getting texts or even live phone messages from many of the former white friends I stopped initiating connections with.

The calls or messages start with “you’ve been on my mind”.

By the way…
America was built by white people forcing Black People to take care of them and pretending that black people love to nurture.  This country is designed to  pound white supremacy into it’s white children so that the expectation of, particularly white women, to be automatically nurtured by black women, particularly dark skinned black women, is just how the  white world works.


Okay back to my point…

As these former friends call to reconnect and seek some sort of comfort from their one legitimate like black, black former friend, and when they speak with me, and when they say the stupid subtle racist shit they have always said to me, and I call them out directly on the stupid subtle racist shit, they have a rude awakening and are shocked! They call me angry and rude. They wonder what happened to their friend who was so nurturing?

And when I speak with them, I feel not the anger they immediately push on me when I’m direct, I feel that mix of discomfort, that dealing with having to do the mental gymnastics it takes to care for the fragile white Liberal female ego. Because, you see, these types of personalities always find ways to make every conversation about their experience and their “trauma”.

That mix of discomfort that comes from having to care for the fragile white ego is what is distracting Black people from taking care of ourselves.  That weight of having to be extra whatever in order for the white person to feel comfortable around a black person is, I strongly believe, the seed of many illnesses that are killing African Americans young.

I was having a good old time today at Sweetgreen eating my favorite salad sitting on a bench outside in the sunshine when I got a message from a former liberal white female feminist friend I’ve not called saying I was on her mind.

As our conversation escalated I took a breath and did an emotional mind body scan.

As she was talking I thought… does this situation feel good? Am I feeling nurtured? Is this a relationship that will make me a better person? What do I feel in my body?

I noticed I felt all tingly around my sinuses and there was a pounding in the base of my skull where my skull balances on my spine.  My heart was pounding, I was clutching my hands and my brow was furrowing.  And when I spoke back to her I was really loud.

In the middle her doing the white girl thing she (and other) white liberal female friends have done to me dozens of times before in our friendship, attempting to justify the micro aggression I had called her out on, I decided to interrupt her and opt out of the relationship.  I thanked her for her help and friendship in the past.  Said I loved her, because I do love everyone, and said the friendship was over.  We hung up and I deleted and blocked her number. (This action is more for my own sake because I’m a wussy and often time second guess myself and call people and apologize.  Blocking the number and deleting the interaction forces me to stand with my decision)

Once I took those actions, I immediately felt a wave of calm wash over my mind body and I felt at peace. I felt light.  I went back to enjoying the sunshine…and my salad.

If my friends of any race, can’t take me as I am,  they aren’t really friends and we can  move on without wasting any more time.

This call today hasn’t been the first time a former white liberal friend from my past has reached out to get their old social justice Mammy to soothe their discomfort. I’m grateful she called me today because this call inspired me to just go public and announce to the world that social justice Mammy has been working out.  She’s lost all that fat and is now fit and focused on nurturing herself first, then her immediate family then the black women and girls in her community.

White people need to stop looking to Black Women to nurture, lead and educate them.  Our resources are depleted we need to revitalize. Please, don’t waste our time with your white guilt.  Get on google and find the resources you need to learn whatever you need to learn about your whiteness and systemic racism. Once you do your work and evolve to the level of Abolitionist…then we can start having some conversations.

Social Justice Mammy is dead.

And the Black Woman who has replaced her is laser  focused, particularly now, on nurturing Black Women and Girls and our communities.




These are just two of the many situations where white folks I used to know have “reached out” to me to soothe their white guilt.

The liberal white former friend who I assisted did a reach out via email to me earlier this summer to find out why our relationship ended.  When I was direct with her about her “past life experience as an enslaved African woman”,  comments, she tried to do some “whitesplaning” and fell in line with the behavior I mentioned above, so I clearly cut the chord and ended the friendship for good.

Our lifetimes are short.  African Americans are dying at the average age of 65.  We need to care for ourselves better, we can’t always be doing the heavy lifting for the benefit of other groups.

Resources/ Workshops & Courses for White Women who want to educate themselves on systemic racism:

Off the Mat and into the world














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Be the friend who is actually there.

Suicide is grounded in a feeling of isolation.

We live in a society where the cowardice of social grace is the norm.

Our culture celebrates the illusion of happiness and avoids reality by any means necessary.

Youth, beauty and wealth are considered to be the highest form of success in our culture.

Suicide happens because we ignore people.

When we are so wrapped up in our individual families that we don’t check up on our friends… we are contributors.

It’s so sad to me to think that our culture has gotten to a place where if someone is feeling like they must end their lives they only have a suicide hotline to call.

Where are their friends who will later say…she died so young


He was troubled


They seemed so happy.

If you are the friend who is present and if you are the friend who will do whatever you can to help and a suicide still happens then yes you can validly say it’s a shame.

If you didn’t step up then deal with your guilt and be a better friend in the future.

When I considered suicide in 2014 none of my “friends” were around. Why? Because the friends I attracted were nice people but they weren’t my people.


Because I wasn’t able to be there for any of them, because I was so focused on trying to save my personal relationship with my ex and I had nothing left to give to anyone else.

I didn’t work to be there for my friends at that time so how could I possibly expect them to be there…for me.

The thing I feared most was being single middle aged and broke in NYC and I settled for someone who did not love me in fear and when he rejected me I broke down.

I’m sure my friends saw this…perhaps they didn’t because they were engrossed in their own lives…but either way neither of us invested in our relationship to be there for one another when a real crisis happened.

We must do the work of investing in our friendships even when people are a total fucking pain in the ass.

And people are a fucking pain in the ass.

We need to be the friend who sends a random text to say hi

Checks in unconditionally

The friend who listens

Be the friend who listens without having an answer.

And give hugs. Go for a walk. Yes we are always busy and yes there is always time.

That first Christmas after my breakup with my ex I was lying on my floor crying an infinite river of tears…I had the oven open with towels under all of the vents and doors in my studio apartment.

For whatever reason I googled a suicide hotline because I had tried calling several friends and none of them answered

The hotline picked up and I poured out my story…the breakup the financial fear my biological clock it all came out in this wave of guilt and shame.

It all came out and I was silent. There was a pause…then the guy on the phone he sounded like a brother, the brother s said” damn! umm yo like that’s deep but ummm you know uh it’s my first day…I gotta put you on hold and get my supervisor ”

First I was stunned. Then I started laughing. It was hilarious! I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt my belly aches and I remembered my joy. I remembered my live on this planet does have a purpose.

I decided to not end this sentence and continue my story.

New friendships blossomed where the others had disappeared and I’m finding my people.

And we live



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Don’t Follow Black Women…Nourish Us. Please.


The phrase “follow Black Women” should be modified to “Nourish Black Women”.  Women of African descent were brought to this country to work alongside our men, doing the work of men.

The tradition of African American Women has not been self care…it’s been forced nurturing of others in order to strive to just get the basic needs for our families. Our value, was defined by how well we produced while we were in forced servitude.

The African American community is having a 21st century online renaissance. Black women are at the forefront. For some white liberals, the phrase “Follow Black Women” has become a kind of anthem.

At the same time, Black women are dying young and more often from ailments grounded in constant stress. Now more than ever Black Women need nourishment.  We are not superhuman to be put on pedastals we are not magical. We break. We cry. We die.  (134 Black Women die EVERY DAY of heart disease. Every. Damn. Day.)

We African American women need to choose authentic joy.  Remember your joy, and those of you who are not African American woman also need you to choose authentic joy and focus on not following or depleting us, you need to PLEASE focus on unconditionally nurturing Black Women and Girls.

It can be as easy as saying “hello” in passing.  Saying “Thank you” and “Please”. Even simple actions like making kind eye contact and smiling are actions of unconditional nurturing.

It’s spring and the chakra of the season is called Manipura aka the Solar Plexus Chakra.  I imagine the sun activating the radiance of the Solar Plexus Chakra awakening during spring and growing during summer. What I love about the Sacral Chakra is the warrior energy.  Warm weather encourages vitality and a yearning to achieve and attract.  The other side of spring and summer energy is the servant energy.  Being constantly busy doing wears us out. Folks can possibly deplete themselves attempting to please other people in person AND on social media just for affirmations that we just sometimes can’t seem to give ourselves.

As spring rises on 2018 join the community of sustaining members of VisableBlackwoman productions and welcome art, music, creative writing and theater into your life as a daily personal practice of self-care.   I share recipes, Rhythm Therapy Rooftop video immersion mini sessions and more.  Your support enables me to create productions that make Black Women’s stories visible to preserve our legacies.  Because nobody can tell our stories like we can.

Every month I host a writing for self care 5 day online experience… RT Journal 2.

The focus in May is Joy.
It’s $8.00 for one course which lasts 5 days or you can enjoy once a month if you become a sustaining member of VisABleblackwoman productions.

CLICK HERE for RT Journal 2 Joy

CLICK HERE to join our community and support VisAbleblackwoman Productions.



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Black Women in Service? Well first…

Since the election results in the Alabama race, these mantras are repeated among liberal progressives…”Let Black Women Lead” or “Follow Black Women”

The world of politics is the world of service.

Black Women in Amerikkka are always expected to serve.

Black women make 65 cents to every dollar that white men make. Even with that of that 65 cent to a dollar ratio, Black Women are continually expected by other groups and in our own communities to give money to help others.

I am a single child free single woman, I live in NY city and there are days where the only men who speak to me…are asking me for money.

From the homeless man on the street, to the clean air guy to the guy trying to get me to get my eyebrows threaded… I am seen as a resource.

Well, I am not a work horse to be used up until the stress of a life of services pushes me into an early grave. Hell no.

The way to our black Women first? Support our businesses. Invest in us. If you know a Black Woman who is fabulous; and know she is looking to be in a relationship; and you know eligible single men; don’t assume she isn’t dating; talk to her and see if she’d be interested in a blind date.

Allow Black Women opportunities to practice self care. Acknowledge our presence. Be kind. If a Black Woman is the only Black Women man in a room full of white people and you are white… say hello. Smile.

Wealth is created with community support. Think of ways you can personally support a Black Woman. And don’t ask her how to “support” her. Figure it out by being a friend.

When we invest in women globally, we see how communities thrive. Why not invest in Black Women Locally… and work with us to live the change we wanna se in this country.



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