And then, it happened.

I was just thinking about people who don’t have a washer and dryer in their homes.

There was a time when I had gotten back together with this guy I lived with. We kept our housing situation separate but were dating. He found a roommate situation in Kingsington, Brooklyn. The apartment building didn’t have laundry but there was a laundry mat across the street.

My fondest memories of our brief time of rocky reconciliation were when we were at the laundry mat together, just folding his clothes. It’s such an intimate gesture…folding another persons clothes. Making sure the fresh from the dryer fabric is folded quickly so wrinkles don’t set in.

The act of perfectly folding his tee shirts reminded me of how my chore as a child was folding my Dad’s white undershirts. As I folded my ex’s shirts and felt deep love for him deep down inside I knew the love I felt for him was not reciprocated. I ignored my knowing.

As was his pattern, he broke up with me in October just like he did the year before, in order not to have to be with me during the holidays and I was broken. I was broken for 5 years after that relationship.

I was afraid of the new normal that was coming of not being coupled up at my age. So much of my life as an artist in New York was connected to not having enough.

Not enough love in relationships. Not enough commitment in friendships. Not enough money to live, or do any of the things that everyone else does to display their happiness or have health insurance.

I lived scared in my not enough being for a long time. I was still experiencing joy and having wonder in my life but my nagging baseline was…not enough.

I’d be able to rally support, book a job that would pay well and make me temporarily normal. A New Yorker, no…a working NYC artist, who could pay her rent, buy food, have a gym membership pay her bills and buy a cute outfit to wear to go to brunch, and out dancing with my fabulous NYC girlfriends.

As I was out being fabulous, there was always that baseline of not enough. That feeling was exhausting.

I’d like to say I had this huge epiphany or found a great healer or therapist or new relationship that made that not enough feeling go away. That feeling that makes me automatically say I’m sorry as a pattern…that drives women who are younger than me crazy.

What happened was, I was forced to surrender and fucking just accept reality. When I lived in NYC, I’d tell myself…okay bad things happen in “three’s” so I’d hold on through the bad experiences and when the good shit happened my ego would be in overdrive. But then…the bad things just kept happening it was like i was cursed. As I dove deep into my not enough self I wasn’t able to be a good friend so I lost good friends.

I felt exhausted and alone and so I went back to my meditation cushion and just worked on clearing my thoughts. As I cleared, spirit told me I needed to clean my thoughts. As I cleaned my thoughts I began to be able to connect to gratitude. When I connected to gratitude…I could do works of service for others. As I did works of service for others…I faced the new reality that I do have enough.

Knowing that you have enough, requires faith, emotional intelligence,humility….and patience. Human nature is to be afraid and to panic. Being calm in the storm takes practice.

We are in the process of entering a new normal. People are acting as if they do not have enough out of fear. There may come a time when there actually may not be enough. Now is the time to prepare yourself.

This morning I was meditating on gratitude. Listing the things in life I’m grateful today. I was distracted by a thought that I have to fold a pile of laundry I did last night. As I shifted to gratitude, the image of doing laundry with my ex popped into my head. Then I thought about all the people in all the cities who do t have laundry in their homes and have to go to the laundry mat to do clothes.

How are they coping right now?

As we navigate our way through this new normal…a daily gratitude meditation practice is the foundation to knowing….there is enough. There is always…enough.

Remember.

Ashe

J9

COVID 19 need to know… terms are being thrown around that you may be confused about in terms of isolating yourself. Here’s the breakdown:

Thank you Shannon Algeo for sharing this info on your social media. Please listen to Shannon’s podcast Soulfeed wherever you listen to your podcasts.

About visAbleblackwoman

Making Black Women’s stories visible to preserve our legacies.
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