Fight Fair

I fail at romantic relationships gloriously.

It’s just my karma.

In failure there is wisdom, and as I age I deepen my awareness. One of my contributions to the failure of my past relationships is… I didn’t fight fair.

I’m not gonna get into the reasons why….those healing ruminations are for my journal.

At my age, most of my friends are married or in a committed love relationships. Many are on their second (or third) marriages.

My friends who are a part of loving nourishing couplings, are able to communicate through the discomfort of conflict and they fight fair.

Here’s 6 mindful relationship actions the couples I know (Who are still hot for each other ) take in order to fight fair:

1. Stay present. Don’t bring up the past.

2. Use an internal time out, when a heated situation needs to cool down take a break.

3. Are polite. Don’t interrupt.

4. Remember the love. Don’t name call.

5. Apologize authenticly. Do the work to apologize truthfully. Take responsibility for the hurt caused, and ask for forgiveness

6. Be able to authentically forgive.

As I look at this list, in my past relationships, I didn’t fight fair. I brought up the past, was rude, interrupted, name called, was sarcastic, selfish, over-shared with friends, remembered all flaws, and had a hard time forgiving the men I was in relationship with. So, it makes sense that none of that none of the men saw me as a woman they wanted to marry.

I own my contribution to negativity and at the same time… if any of my exes were truly invested in the relationships we were in beyond the physical attraction, they would have invested time in doing the work to develop these fair fight tools together. I say this because when I was in relationship and wasn’t fighting fair, I knew something was not right.

Having not dated until I was 25, I was very inexperienced with love relationships and did no intuitive idea of how to be in romantic partnership. At that time, the men I dated weren’t the kind of men who were willing to do the work of relationship which fed into my frustration. Can you see how it’s all connected?

Shit…that should be in my journal. I digress…. back to the subject at hand.

The married couples I know who fight fair are committed to one another and are invested in their relationship.

I remember moving in with an ex on Valentine’s Day. Our studio apartment was small, he was concerned it was too small, but I was more optimistic than he.

The fights we had in that space were not fair fights. We both said things we could never take back. I would get so angry with him, that I’d have to go out and sit in my pickup truck for hours in order to just cool down and not scratch his eyes out.

Our society focuses on attracting relationship and marriage for many reasons. In many cities, it’s impossible to be able to afford to pay for expenses without having two incomes to pay rent, get a mortgage while paying off student loans. Women are paid less than men and we must pay the same amount in rent while paying extra for feminine hygiene products, make up, hair, and clothing. All of the successful yoga/wellness entrepreneurs I know…have husbands.

So in a time where being in relationship with two incomes is vital to maintain a middle class life, learn how to fight fair and keep your love alive.

Besides… when you fight fair…that leads to mind blowing make up sex. 🙂

Ashe

J9

P.S. Ladies…as you fight fair…be sure to keep your own separate bank account with your own money…just in case.

P.P.S. Guess what… Fighting fair works in EVERY relationship in your life that you have made a commitment to invest in. Fair fight tools can be used when dealing with your parents, children and in chosen family/friend relationships.

About visAbleblackwoman

Making Black Women’s stories visible to preserve our legacies.
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